One of the nice things about turning the calendar to a fresh new year is you get a fresh new opportunity to put off for yet another year all those undesirable things you’ve been putting off, every year, for the last decade.
Still, sometimes, even a master procrastinator reaches a point where enough is enough and things like the “Dental Dilemma” have to be addressed.
The dilemma being, my teeth seem fine, and I don’t like to go … so I don’t.
But so many people keep telling me how important it is to go the dentist and yada yada yada … and I still don’t.
Until I did ... I went to the dentist … the other day.
I hadn’t been for a while. Could you guess?
I’m not sure how long, but I spent about 10 minutes in the office next door before I realized I was in the wrong place.
I thought those stirrups were inappropriate for a simple checkup and a cleaning … so after about 15 minutes I put my pants back on and left.
Anyway, last time I was there, my dentist, who’ll I’ll call my dentist, was telling me about his softball team and skiing in Aspen. Now he was telling me about his grandchildren and new condo at the assisted living facility. Apparently there’s a great spread at the happy hour.
So a lot had changed.
It takes a certain kind of person to be a dentist. To be honest I can’t
think of a more … ”unsettling” … profession. I mean sticking your fingers in people’s mouths all day, and then having them
bite your fingers to boot?
Hey … I can’t help it; I have a sensitive gag reflex.
If I was a dentist I would be gagging all the time. So probably that’s why I’m not. I doubt I would have many returning customers. So it’s just as well … because of the gagging.
Anyway, I’m happy to report … look ma, no cavities … .
Which just annoys Z to no end.
Z is very meticulous about her teeth. She’s got this special super-duper electronic toothbrush that times the brushing. I think it even gives the time and temperature … and traffic and weather. Then she does the whole flossing thing until she tops it all off by actually singing to her teeth and telling them a story.
Nah, I’m just kidding. She only sings. It takes her about 2 or 3 hours to get through the whole process.
I, on the other hand, pretty much just get up in the morning and check to see if any teeth fell out onto my pillow during the night. If not, I’m good to go.
So you can see why she would get annoyed by my perfect assessment.
Actually, it wasn’t so bad, going. Like I said, it gave me a chance to catch up on things. My dentist asked if I was having any problems in the toothal area.
I said, not that I was aware of since I have very little feeling up there.
So he told me to open wide and he proceeded to pull my mouth open this way and that, until I felt like a carp stuck on a hook.
Then, after a bit of poking and prodding, he took up a hammer and chisel and
proceeded to clean my teeth. Of course, he was nonchalant about the whole thing, except for the few times when he shouted out, “Sweet mother of Satan’s child,” which I found odd, and had the receptionist come in to certify authenticity or something.
There was some back and forth small talk about sports and such where he would ask me what I thought about the Giants and Pats in the upcoming Super
Bowl.
And I would answer, “grmplgh lutrefgu dou.”
Then he would bring up politics and the conversation would get a little heated while he was making his points and the chisel would go flying.
He would apologize and start poking around again, and I would say, “grmplgh lutrefgu dou.”
But could you blame me?
Eventually he took a few X-rays ... well kind of. He uses these special kind of X-ray glasses that he says let’s him see through things. So he took a quick look and said I was good.
On the way out the receptionist asked if I wanted to set up my next
appointment…and then we both had a good laugh.
What can I say? I’m in good tooth. I think it might be all those caramel apples.
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