Greenwich Mountain Lion Mystery Solved! (Definitely NOT the News)

This whole Mountain Lion thing has turned into an Area 51 type story that just won't go away.

Mostly because people like me are still writing about it....

Officials still seem very evasive as to what is really going on.

The Unofficials are even more uncertain.

Is the Greenwich Mountain Lion really one & done…or are there more around?

The Connecticut State Department of Environmental Protection’s police unit say it is…but yet there are continued “sightings” of other Mountain Lion type creatures all around the area.

Kind of like a Big Foot deal.

Of course, there are some so called “Mountain
Lion death photos” floating around, purporting to be the actual Mountain
Lion, spread out on the side of the Wilbur Cross parkway.

As is my policy, I’m not going to display these photos, since I’m afraid it
will only enrage and incite the said to be, closely knit Mountain Lion
community into taking retaliatory action against drivers of SUVs...though most
of them would probably be too busy talking on their cell phones to notice.

The investigation by the DEP is said to have included the “conducting of tests, analyzing paw
prints”—just like on CSI, except in this case instead of AFIS, they needed to use APIS, which of course stands for Automated Pawprint Identification System.“ 

This past Thursday, CT. State environmental protection officials said  "Scat samples” found on the Audubon Preserve in Greenwich, shortly after the earlier reported sightings, have turned out to be "not from a cat, but from either a coyote, dog, fox"...or possibly the legendary "Leather Man",  wherever he may be.   

State officials also claim that the alleged," illegal", Mountain Lion is most likely not a resident of Greenwich since he was not allowed access to town parks or beaches, probably because he refused to pay the exorbitant parking fees...as was hoped.

I say illegal Mountain Lion because The U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service declared the eastern mountain lion to be extinct.

But apparently, no one told the Mountain Lions.

The DEP also said they are still…“actively investigating this case as a violation of Connecticut laws.”

Because apparently existing when you’ve been declared extinct is a crime in the Nutmeg State...unless you're Andy Rooney.

And while state officials continue to insist that…”there is no native population of mountain
lions in Connecticut,” residents in the Greenwich area and in the state are still being advised “to use precaution, and to keep small animals and children inside…”

Okay…but if…?

Then why…?

In addition, the state agency has said that anyone who sees anything that looks like a mountain lion should call the DEP hotline, which, I can tell you, has been nothing short of a major nuisance for my Aunt Franny from Danbury, who, in her mid-40’s, developed a rare condition that led to the formation of unusually large jowls, which, in the early 80’s, necessitated a painful series of plastic surgeries, and ever since has been said to resemble an intermediate sized Feline.

Authorities also confirmed that the dead animal, who was male, “was not neutered, had no
collar, was not declawed and was, through a “cursory examination,” noted to be a lean mountain lion, and not out of shape in any way…”

Which only proves that the he was definitely not married….

So here’s where I come down on all of this, and what the hush hush is all about.

What the government agencies are not saying and don’t wan’t you to know is that these Mountain Lions have long been living, discreetly, in previously unsalable Co-ops, right here, in the wooded suburbs of New York City. And for decades, by necessity, they’ve learned to blend in amongst us.

Their cubs attend the same schools as your kids….

Play on the same soccer teams….

They shop at the same supermarket and complain about the poor selection of small mammals available in the meat department, just like you and I.

Sit next to you on the train as they commute to the city, almost giving themselves away by sometimes wearing suits on casual Friday.

So that’s the big secret. The big cover-up the
government doesn’t want you to know.

The Mountain lion isn’t extinct. It isn’t new to this area. It’s here…it’s been here…and it’s going to stay here.

The Mountain Lion is just the weird kid with the
funny whiskers and sharp teeth that’s taking your daughter to Prom.

You just assumed he was British….

Definitely NOT The News...

From The Freelance Retort

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